a season of thought

today i have been faced with many different battles on many different fronts. it’s not all bad but it is tough. my life has taken its step towards what is the “roller coaster.” it’s always a season that i cant wait to see the end of. almost like this winter as i pine away the days yearning for spring and summer with new growth and new warmth. there are so many different frustrations in my life, coupled with many different praises though, which also adds to my confusion. 

is it Christ speaking to me? is it Satan toying with me? what is going on? these are my three questions immediately as i am faced with opposition.  I have frat brothers that need help, advice, love, and accountability.  i have a family looking for a bright spot in my life as my sister screws up her life. i have a relationship on the brink of a beautiful marriage and at the same time could end tomorrow.  so much instability with all that is in my life, being that i crave consistency i dont really know where to begin.

my fraternity is doing well in the sense that we are still alive, yet we are struggling to understand what its means to be brothers. we are not serving anyone but ourselves, i cannot seem to shepherd these guys back to Christ enough to get them away from sin, there is pride and jealousy brewing in some of the members, followed by the pledges feeling inadequate as they fail the first pledge quiz tonight. our lives are so crazy right now and nobody really knows which way is up. im just plugging away hoping that at some point in time Christ will allow my feet to take hold.  i will gladly tow this fraternity as its my last semester.  i will do the required work to lay a firm enough foundation based on Christ and what He alone did for us. thats why we do what we do. then on top of that we have people casting judgements on us and they dont even have the full perspective of the collective. two cases of bad interactions have prompted rules against us. this is a slap in the face and i will not stand for my brothers, my fraternity or my own name to be slandered in this way. so on that battle i have to seek out these contributors and seek truth and pursue justice with them all the while keeping it in perspective and pushing out of loving humility. i know tough, right? tonight i spoke to them about getting back to the roots of brotherhood, being prayerful, respectful, accountable, committed, trustworthy, dependable, honest, and loyal to the cause of the Kingdom. i just want them to be CHRISTIAN MEN that really want to do the will of God Himself instead of their own.

then the struggles of my family. today i heard such a blessing from my dad. after my sister continually slapped my parents in the face with failed drug tests, broken curfews, bad attitudes and disrespect, the have kicked her out. its the tough love and justice that i feel has been needed for the past three years. they have tried to be compassionate and tried to be forgiving but my sister has really pushed it to the max. my parents gave her the ultimatum of turn from your wickedness and reside with us in the home or leave until you choose to change.  this was awesome truth because my sister put on this front of caring about the family and pursuing the Lord when really she was just trying to skate by. this tough time will be such a test and hopefully God will wreck her life in the best way possible and mold her into the girl she could be.

relationships are hard in general.  they are even more complicated when you are on the verge of any change, in my case its marriage. Haley and i are so close yet so far and we have really been going rounds recently trying to find the compromise point to where we are both confident that this is God’s relationship. both fighting to put down selfishness and pride, its awesome. but its come to a head with “what should this season look like?” “what is too close to marriage without a ring involved?” both very plausible questions its just tough when you are 90% certain that this is the woman you are intended to marry and spend your life on earth with. you know?  we have entered into a time of serious prayer about the future. am i saying that we are on the verge of breaking this off? no i dont think so, however this could lead to it at some point. i just want to have her as my wife one day and i feel as if this would be a glorious union. its just tough to be in the staging gate and the staging bulbs frozen on red. i am sure that my God is awesome and answers the prayers of the faithful.

My prayer is this:

For kappa upsilon chi: please Lord show them the path that you have set out as a group.  show these men their individual roles in the great story that is life.  Lord you are the architect behind this brotherhood and you are the reason that we choose to fight with each other and for each other. what would you have us do in your good and perfect will? what do you need from us because we will go! no matter how much we kick and scream with each other we live for you all the same.

for my family i thank you Lord that you are showing my dad favor and strength. i am so glad that he has chosen to step up and lead my sister and lead my mother by supporting her. this has almost been the end of my family so many different times and you have seen us through every time. thank you Lord for your faith in my family and i thank you so much for the fact that i am a member of this family. i hope that one day i will be excited to see my sister in a new light as opposed to this distaste that i have for her name. i lift up my grandmother as she fights pneumonia. please Lord, keep her here as i am selfish and would like to be able to show her my future wife whether it be Haley or not.

for Haley and my relationship i just pray that over this week you would speak to both of us. Lord your the great and mighty counselor and i am in dire need of your word and support.  thank you so much for the opportunity to pray. its such a gift that you are there for my support because i would not have made it this far in life let alone this relationship without you. you are so awesome and i think that its because of You alone that Haley and i are here at this point. your a great and awesome God, please just show me your will. let me know where you want me to lead Haley. are we supposed to be together? are we going to be blessed with marriage and a family? i am craving an answer. we have kept our relationship centered around you and its kept us together thus far. thank you for the time that you have blessed me with in the fact that you have graced me with her presence and given me so much growth and knowledge through this relationship. your awesome and you are so perplexing in the most unique and mysterious ways. Lord i love you and i give this entire situation to you now in hopes that you would show me the path.

Lord for myself i pray that you would shield me from satan this week as i will be suffering from worldly fears and temptations. i love you and i want to serve you yet i am a sinful man that is all jacked up. i fight and i fight and i fight for things that i feel you have put before me. there is so much that i have kind of vomited up to you tonight and i dont know where to even begin in trying to sift through. i give it ALL to you. every grain of sand every speck of dust all of my crap is so small in the grand scheme. i am unworthy of your love and unworthy of all the blessings that you have already given me. thank you for good health, for a house, a car, loving family, great roommates, friends, brothers, and a heart filled with you. i was nothing without you and its so great knowing that you will not leave me. thank you so much for the promises that you give in your words. Jesus your my God and i will follow you, i pray that you would merely light the path that you would have me follow.

Its all for you! Thanks be to God, Amen.

homesick or not?

what is homesick? is it wanting to go to your old stomping grounds, is it something tangible? i dont think so. some feel so called to go home and return to the places of old. i dont. however i miss my parents, and my brothers.  i dont miss much anything else. is it cause i am cold? is it cause something is wrong? i dont know. but during the service at midtown fellowship last night all i could think about is how much i missed the old times with my parents.  i dont see them as much as i wish i could and im not exactly welcome at home because of my sister.  my parents asked me not to come back home for long periods of time. i can go to them for anything and can talk to them but to not have a place to call home is awkward to say the least. for those of you that dont know my sister fellowships with satan regularly through her lifestyle and attitude. when light meets dark its always explosive and my parents cannot deal with it anymore. seeing that i am 22 and on my own two feet they have focused so much on her. i feel as though sometimes i am without parents. i know for those of you reading that have never met yours, or one has passed away your telling me to shut up and get over it but this is something that hits me personally. i dont normally throw this stuff out on here but i felt that maybe someone could relate to it. i really want to be a better son but i want to be a son. its so tough being the spiritual head of a family. not just the nuclear family of my parents and neice but also to my grandmother, uncles, aunts, and cousins. i want to feel closer to my family. i dont know what to do to get that back. everytime i talk to my dad its an argument about me not fulfilling my potential and not having a real job, the last argument was when i told him i may be a type of missionary, to his reply “support is not a paycheck therefore its not a job!” WHAT!?!?! are you kidding me. i am talking about fostering the growth of the kingdom and you tell me thats not a job! what?!?! and my mom, God bless her, supports me no matter what. no matter the choice i make or the road i take she spurs me on as a mother should. i just hope that one day my family does not look that way. i want to be a father who loves and supports but speaks firm truth when needed. my father has not been firm with my sister and now my family is reaping what he has sown. she is a drug addict, alcoholic, and just rotten girl who used to be sweet and nice and pleasurable (according to others, i have never seen her this way).  well dad said he would let her move back in if she passed a drug test, last night she moved back in without even taking one. is this grace, mercy, or is it weakness, and lack of backbone to do whats needed? i think its in the eye of the judge but i just hope that God wrecks my family in the greatest way so that they would cling to him more than anything else.  i miss my parents and its my sister separating us. tell me that aint messed up. haha. i love you guys and thanks for reading my rambling and whining. hope you have a great day. call or do something so your parents know you love them. enjoy being close with them, and having their support.

 

 ¹²“But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. ¹³This will result in your being witnesses to them. ¹⁴But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. ¹⁵For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. ¹⁶You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. ¹⁷All men will hate you because of me. ¹⁸But not a hair of your head will perish. ¹⁹By standing firm you will gain life.” – LUKE 21:12-19

field day

satan had a field day with me yesterday. he rode me like a donkey all playing on the man, the leader of the relationship. i was hurting and did not know why. i am not claiming to be like Job but i do believe that the Lord offered me up to satan saying “come and test this servant.” Job was offered up in Job 1:8 and i feel it’s the same thing here.  i was struggling so much and i cannot even articulate this explanation because i am trying to rush this, but it’s because of my faith in Jesus and Him working through a few different people who are really just serving Him.  Brent, Boom, Tommy, Joel, and most of all Morgan. Brent and Mo just heard everything out and served as a safe place to take my struggles where Boom, Tommy, and Joel were all supporting me in prayer not knowing the details.  it was when i came to the midtown family meeting that i stumbled into the bible, which i have been struggling with on my own, and searched through the index for something.  as i was thinking of what was happening between Haley and i and how we were arguing and disagreeing and not understanding anything between the two of us i realized we were in a battle. searched battles and all i found were wars of military battles, searched hardships and didnt feel comfortable, and accidentally found quarrel.  through looking under the topic i found James 4:1-10:

 ¹What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? ²You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. ³You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. ⁴ You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. ⁵Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? ⁶But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” ⁷Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹ Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

MAN THAT IS AWESOME!!! through our quarrel i noticed how we are both selfish, how we both want our own way instead of God’s, and through this “quarrel” we have become humble servants paired together yet again.  we have come back again. today we are taking a day of fasting each other in hopes of getting back to center with not only the one Christ but also with each other. we both need prayer because we are both tired. i am worn because i have been challenged and have been beaten up by satan.  Christ will rebuild me and will provide a chance for me to come to a place where He wants me.  i am so happy right now because through searching to understand what God’s will is in my life and in our relationship i see one thing remaining true, steadfast, and allows for quarrels to be forgiven because he beat everything in one single act.

and then for the fulfillment of all things previous and the providing of hope stands in this:

THE RESURRECTION!!!

I am so thankful that Christ has made a way for me to reconcile with Haley and that she forgives me, and supports me in my fight against satan. he will not beat me. i will not be beaten back because this same Christ that rose is in me!! i know it cause i feel Him. i see His works in and through me. i am so happy right now knowing that Christ allowed me to be tested and through my utter failure i give Him praise because i cannot do it! thank you guys for your prayers and i hope that this will provide some sort of inspiration as it has rejuvenated my soul!! I love and pray that you guys are seeing Christ in your life on a daily basis.

home…

after a tough night last night all i seem to want is solitude. something a little slower of a pace and a lot more room to get lost without cell phone reception and without disturbance. i am so exhausted guys. i am running on straight Jesus. i hope that you would lift me up in prayers cause i have nothing left. haha. i am kind of just sitting here. God is so great in the ways that He puts things in your path. last night God put the breaks on me and really just stopped me dead in my tracks. not in any one specific thing but he just really wanted me to realize that on my own i fall and i screw up cause its my nature. i am so thankful that God is sovereign and gives me grace. i am just in need of me time. hope that i get it soon. i am so excited because Haley and i beat back satan once again through our good friend JESUS CHRIST. as satan was working on our nerves last night. i am excited for what God has in store for us. also the amazing race is tonight. where our pledges race around Columbia, complete events along the way, and in hopes of winning an undisclosed prize. haha. but its going to be fun just long. hope that you are having a good day. let me know if you need anything. God bless and i love ya!!

worthy…

this has been the beginning of a great week!!! God has shown so much and has re-affirmed me in so many different ways. sunday night singing revelation song really just woke the beast. i am so stoked right now about everything.  there is so much stirring within my guys and all the people around me. its awesome because in my season of silence and listening i am getting to see with my own eyes God’s will being put into action. 

Ben Culpepper made a great display of faith and service with his compassion video monday before chapter, it brought me to tears. hurtful tears to begin with that at the end of the story became tears of overwhelming joy. i was at a loss for words because i got to see a COMPASSION video that showed the glorious sight of two men meeting for the first time. nothing special right, wrong.  these two guys had been connected through a letter of deepest encouragement and a $38 check every month.  a guy by the name of Mike had been sponsoring a Kenyan for about 20 years from the time that he was 20 years old.  his child was 7 in the beginning. this video was awesome because the Kenyan was speaking about his coming to Christ through COMPASSION ministries and how it had been the letters of Mike that really pushed him to go to bible school and become a pastor to return to Kenya himself.  well the announcer asked him, after finishing his testimony, if he had ever physically met Mike.  he responded “no i haven’t” the announcer then said, ” would you like to? because he is back stage waiting to meet you.”  He instantly broke down in tears and as mike neared him the sobbing became more and more intense. such a great love for this man who he had never met and the two men were connected through Christ.  it was so intense to see the two men embrace for the first time.

God is really just showing me His glory and His love. i am ever thankful that someone once showed me that love. i was in no way an orphan in Kenya but in a sense we were all orphans before we were adopted into Christ’s family. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!?! we are adopted into the family that never ends and is always growing!! it was even more awesome because scripture was telling me about the vineyard workers and the vineyard owner in the parables of Matthew. that we are all equal and that its Gods grace that saves us and makes us all whole. its awesome that God goes out every day and searches for us through his ministers on earth, YOU AND ME!!! we are here to serve!! it’s so awesome that the God that made the earth wants each and every one of us, and made the way to him through Jesus Christ. i am in awe. i hope that you reading this really understands the magnitude. i am so thankful that Christ has given me the blessings that i have been given even though i DONT deserve them, because i am a sinner and deserve hell. plain and simple. hope you find rest in knowing that God is searching for us every day and we have to take up our cross daily. it’s the greatest sign of victory. the cross didnt beat Christ and kill him, Christ beat the cross by living on in resurrection!! amen! hallelujah! hope you have a good day/week. if you need me get with me. crewss@mailbox.sc.edu or call/text me!

been a while

hey guys! sorry its been so long. hope all is well. today the only thing that i keep getting brought to is the fact that we truly are oblivious to the will of God. i dont even know how to get through the day without His perfect guidance. i have been struggling with things in school and brotherly relationships and i am lost. i got nothing. haha. i have been fighting ever so hard to maintain the KAPPA UPSILON CHI pi chapter but im spent. i am beginning to wonder if the other brothers get it or not. thats killer to think that a group of guys dont get how to be brothers. you know? God ordained us, God gave us a chapter, God gave us an escape, and we cant maintain it. i am excited however about the prospect of my relationship with Haley. it got even more real over fall break with the beginning of intentionally shopping for engagement rings. what i wanted was extremely nice and moderately priced but being the particular woman she is, she wanted something even more unique. i hope that soon i get the chance to marry her and begin, what has the potential to be, an amazing life together in Christ. thank you guys for being my support. i stumbled a little yesterday in doubting Christ strength and perseverance in my own life and i appreciate you guys all directing me back to the cross. i love you guys and i pray that God will show you favor. let me know if there is absolutely anything i can do.

Fellowship/EN-courage

The Fellowship of the Believers

 ⁴²And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. ⁴³And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. ⁴⁴And all who believed were together and had all things in common. ⁴⁵And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. ⁴⁶And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, ⁴⁷praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

And why do we do all this? Because we love Jesus. haha. its so simple of a concept that we as Christians really really suck at.  Last night in chapter for KAPPA UPSILON CHI (Christian Frat at USC) we had a lot of criticism brought up and we worked through alot of dirt that was laying between alot of the brothers. Lack of passion to serve and lack of everything and these verses stuck. As Ben read them it just stuck. we haven’t got the unity and we dont attend the church together and we dont break bread together. Not to mention we dont do anything IN REMEMBRANCE of HIM. We have lost sight of what we need to be focusing on and its killing me. During the criticism both Joel Wilkes and myself turn to Romans 12.  Joel goes to the heart of Love and us not loving (verse 9) and i went straight to verse 3. Actives think to highly of themselves and we dont have any respect for the fraternity and what God has ordained. so i lay down the gauntlet now, STEP UP AND SERVE!!! Christians, everyone who claims the name!!! SERVE!!! thats what we are called to do is serve. So i say this in encouragement. We are all saved by grace and its awesome that we have been given it to us freely. So lets repent as false Christians and serve each other, serve non-believers, and overall serve God. Thats what we are called to do as true believers. I love you guys and this morning i woke up to see a beautiful rainbow thus symbolizing the promise. I am so glad that God shows his face like that! Thank God! I love you guys and i pray for you that you will be encouraged and fired up to serve the Lord our God in everything we do! Much love!

Vengence is His!

^{Romans 12: 9-21}

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

 ¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

 ¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰On the contrary:
   ”If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
      if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
   In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

 

Man this is powerful enough in itself. how often do we seek to do our own avenging instead of letting God’s will truly flow out onto someone else. it’s through our diligence and faith that His will is done.  I pray that i along with you guys can practice this verse. I will not bow to sin. i will not fall to something such as this. Through Christ Jesus we have gained our strength and been charged and blessed with title and estates in the one and only heaven. Strength flows from Him and HIM ALONE so DO NOT BOW!!!! Fight with scripture speaking to your heart and to your testament. i love you guys and want God to work for and through you!

A day of remembrance…

September 11th, 2001… A day that nobody will forget. Not only in the United States but all over the world.  It means so much more than just a suicide bombing. it stands for so much more than the beginning of the war on terrorism. there is so much there. it marks the beginning of spiritual warfare. the war between all faiths and Islam. but the question is this, WHY FOCUS ON THE FAITH INSTEAD OF THE PERSON? why are we afraid to minister to someone who is of another faith.  i will say what most others wont so i tell you, that person is WRONG! that person is going to hell. and that kills me. i believe that God provides the choice to accept Him to everyone.  the defining part of a Christian is love. scripture calls us a liar if we dont love those around us. if you love someone would you want them to go to hell? would you want your father or your mother or your boyfriend or your girlfriend to live in hell for eternity?? i would hope not. i am not set apart here because i stereotype and i judge and i have to work on my own sin.  God loves the world. now dealing with this is tough. its very tough because you say, “why or how can i love someone who we are at war with?” i agree thats a tough question. we are to love no matter what. we are not a war with the religion. this is not a crusade this is a war against terrorism. this is a war against bombers. their particular faith is their own sin. we are at war in every fashion.

 

our troops, OUR troops, THEY ARE OUR TROOPS!!! our brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers.  Why will we not support them? We have been at war now for the past 8 years.(give or take) That is ridiculous! We support our troops till the very end. not for month and not by only putting a yellow ribbon on our cars, or around the door, or mailbox.  Why not support them in word and action? Why not pray for them and lift them up daily. My mentor, the great man of God, Colonel Nub Shofner, in every prayer thanks God for the troops and asks for Him to protect them daily.  He is a true patriot. the word PATRIOT gets so distorted and misused. I am a patriot of the greatest nation in the world and i will argue with anyone on that matter. hopefully one day i will get the honor of serving this great country in some way. but why do we not support the troops in every way we can. without them we cant even have our faith out in public. we would have to hide it. and run from it. without our warriors we can not say God, not to mention speak out against or for it. not to mention that we would not be able to say I DONT SUPPORT ______________. you know? it’s so amazing to be apart of this nation.

 

so i urge you this day and this week. begin to pray for our troops and for our nation. not just people around you. be captivated in how God can work on the Macro level of this great nation. not confined to this local area but yet He can work on the national level. thanks be to God from whom all blessings flow. Amen!

Tough times…

times are tough with the the woman i love. i know that things will be alright in time but for the time being its tough. i can honestly say that i am still where i want to be its just tough. God has provided a woman that is very particular for many different reasons. i think the greatest of which is i am able to cope and deal and meet expectations. i love her dearly and will push through anything set before us. my love is unchanging and is still just as strong as before. just pray for our relationship that God would be glorified by our struggles. i am so thankful for your prayers and for my relationship with haley. God will provide a solution. i know that He can do anything. His will be done!